


If I Choose, Then I Lose

by Samunderthelights



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Charmie, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, post graham norton show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-10-29 13:56:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17809232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samunderthelights/pseuds/Samunderthelights
Summary: Timothée and Matty have been seeing each other since meeting on the Graham Norton Show, and things seem to be going well. But when they run into Armie at a party, Matty can't help but wonder if Timothée still has feelings for him.





	1. The Party

**Author's Note:**

> I was actually working on a new Charmie story, but after listening to The 1975 on repeat for a whole week, I got the idea for this. It's just 3 short chapters, but I enjoyed writing it. It was a nice change.  
> And juist a quick apology, in case there are some mistakes in there. English isn't my first language, but I'm trying my best.   
> So yeah, enjoy! xx

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/47058418982/in/dateposted-public/)

“Oi, Chalamet!”  
“Hey,” Timothée laughs, as his boyfriend comes up to him. They had arrived at the party together, but the actor had been dragged off to meet different people all night, so they haven’t been able to spend any time together.  
“Have you been avoiding me?” Matty asks, before putting his hands on the younger man’s arms. Timothée shyly laughs, before wriggling out of his grip. “Are you kidding me, mate?”  
“I’m sorry, I just…”  
“You were the one who wanted me to be here. I could be at home right now, I could be…”  
“I want you to be here,” Timothée quickly reassures him. “I’m just new to all of this.”  
For just a moment, Matty believes that the actor is just shy and a little nervous about going public with their relationship. But then he notices that he keeps glancing over to something, or someone, behind him. So he turns around, expecting people to be staring at them. He is already preparing himself to tell whoever it is to go fuck themselves, to mind their own business. But instead, he finds no one staring at them.  
He just sees Armie Hammer standing there, laughing and chatting away, with his wife standing by his side. They don’t seem to have a care in the world, and they don’t seem to be looking in their direction. But Matty knows that they are the reason why Timothée is avoiding his touch. Why Timothée has been avoiding him all night.   
“Why don’t we go over to them and say hello?” he suggests, but he can see the blush on the young man’s face, and he knows that he has just caught him out in something. “I would love to meet them. Meet him.”  
“Matty…”  
“Well, why not?” Matty asks, trying to act like it’s a normal question. Why wouldn’t they go over and meet his boyfriend’s friend, his former co-star. But they both know why not. They both know that this question is just a game. It’s a dare.  
“Please don’t do this.”  
“Why not, huh?” Matty asks, but Timothée just look away, a guilty look on his face. “Did you know he was going to be here?”  
“No.”  
“Would you not have brought me with you if you had known?”  
“Matty…,” Timothée tries, but his boyfriend won’t let him finish his sentence.  
“I’m going to go over and introduce myself to him. You can stay here and hide, or you can come with me,” Matty says, and for just a moment, Timothée looks like he is about to stay behind, or even turn and leave. But instead, he gives a small nod, before leading the way through the crowd, over to Armie and Elizabeth, who are still chatting to some people they know.  
But they quickly say goodbye when they notice Timothée, before turning towards him. Elizabeth gives him a big hug, but Armie looks a little hesitant, especially when he notices Matty. He had heard rumours about the two of them, but he hadn’t believed any of it. He figured Timothée would have told him if he had met someone. But when the singer sticks out his hand, and Timothée introduces him as his boyfriend, it hits him that this is real. And Timothée hadn’t told him. He hadn’t warned him. Here he is, finding out, in public, and all he can do is fake a smile and shake the other man’s hand.  
“Nice to meet you, man.”  
“You too, mate,” Matty says, but he can see the shock on Armie’s face. The actor is smiling, but there is panic in his eyes. Hurt even. For just a moment, Matty feels sorry for him.  
He had told Timothée to tell Armie about their relationship, even back when it was technically still just a hook-up, but Timothée had kept putting it off. That was months ago. With all the rumours going around, because he and Timothée are seen together all the time, he figured Armie would have figured it out for himself. But apparently not. Or perhaps he had simply been in denial about the whole thing.  
“Good for you, Timmy,” Elizabeth says, before giving the young actor a big hug. “He’s cute, isn’t he?” she whispers in his ear, before letting go of him, and he can’t help but smile. He gives a small nod, before looking back at his boyfriend.  
An awkward silence follows, and it’s obvious that the men don’t know what to say. Because what do you say to each other in a situation like this? Especially with Elizabeth right there with them? But Elizabeth doesn’t seem to notice, and she quickly gets out her phone.  
“How about we take a picture?”  
“Sure,” Armie says, clearly glad to do anything to end the awkward silence. But when Matty wraps an arm around his shoulder, his other arm around Timothée, and pulls them in closer, Armie struggles to fake a smile. All he wants to do is walk away from the situation, from the party. Go home and forget about tonight. But he can feel Elizabeth nudging him in the ribs, clearly indicating that he is ruining this picture. So he forces himself to think about the good times. And when he looks at the beautiful young man on the small phone screen, at the big goofy smile on his face, he can’t help but smile. Because he remembers that that boy was once his.

“Why did you do that?” Timothée asks, when he and Matty are at the hotel later that night.  
“What?”  
“You know what.”  
“I wanted to meet him. The man who messed you about and broke your heart,” Matty says, and he can see the pain in his boyfriend’s eyes. “Don’t you want to show him that you moved on. That you found yourself a better guy, and that he has fucked his chances with you?”  
“He didn’t…”  
“I’d say you’re pretty lucky to have gotten away from him,” Matty says, and Timothée raises an eyebrow. “Have you seen him, mate? There is no way those looks are going to last. Trust me, give it ten years, and he will be bald, and it will be nothing but botox to keep that going...,” he continues, trying to keep a straight face, but Timothée can see right through it.  
“I told you he was good-looking, didn’t I?”  
“Oh, a total babe,” Matty laughs, as he gets into bed with his boyfriend. “But I’m glad he’s a total idiot, and doesn’t know how to appreciate a good thing when he sees it.”  
“Huh?”  
“You,” Matty laughs, and the young man’s face turns a dark shade of red. “Fucking hell, mate. I’m trying to be romantic here.”  
“Sorry,” Timothée laughs, before giving him a kiss. Matty cuddles up to him, and he expects his boyfriend to wrap his arms around him and pull him close, but he can feel him hesitate for just a moment.  
Matty had never doubted the fact that Timothée wanted to be with him, not even when the young man had told him about his and Armie’s affair, which had happened back when they had made Call Me By Your Name. It had continued even after they had come back home. Armie had promised Timothée a future together, but of course he had stayed with Elizabeth, and he had ended up breaking the young man’s heart.  
It had been a long time since they had ended their affair when Matty had met Timothée, at a recording of the Graham Norton show. But they had gotten drunk that night, and they had hooked up, which had led to more hook-ups, which had in the end led to a relationship. It had still been just a hook-up, when Timothée had confided in Matty about his and Armie’s affair, but Matty had never once considered that the affair might still be going. That it was something that would interfere with his and Timothée’s relationship.  
And although Timothée had hesitated for just a moment just now, before pulling him close, and kissing him, Matty can’t help but wonder if Timothée has been keeping things from him. If perhaps, there is still something going on between him and Armie. But when the young actor kisses him again, he decides not to ask. Because perhaps he isn’t ready to know the full truth. Not yet.


	2. The Hotel

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/47058418982/in/dateposted-public/)

It’s been a few days since the party, and Matty has tried his best to forget about what had happened that night. About the nagging thought that Timothée is keeping something from him. But his boyfriend has been glued to his phone ever since, and when it buzzes again, and Timothée quickly grabs it, checks the message, but hides the screen from Matty, Matty can’t ignore his frustration any longer.  
“Is that Armie again?”  
“What?” Timothée asks.  
“He’s been texting you, right? Since the party,” Matty asks, and by the blush on the actor’s face, he can tell that he is right. “What’s he been saying?”  
“It doesn’t matter.”  
“Are you still seeing him?”  
“What? No!” Timothée says, and Matty tries to see if he is telling the truth or not, but he is fully aware of the fact that if he needs to, Timothée can put on a mask and act his way out of things. So even though he is tempted to believe that he is telling the truth right now, he just can’t tell. “Matty, I…”  
“Why are you still texting him? After everything he has put you through?”  
“Because he’s upset with me,” Timothée admits. “He’s hurt that I didn’t tell him about you. About us.”  
“That’s what, two texts, maybe three. It’s been two days now,” Matty says, but Timothée just looks down at his hands, avoiding his eyes. “What has he been saying to you? Has he been promising you shit again? You can’t trust him, mate.”  
“I know…”  
“Why do you even…,” Matty begins, but then he hesitates, not sure if he wants to ask the question, too scared to hear the answer. But he knows he needs to hear it. He can’t keep ignoring this. “You would go back to him, wouldn’t you?”  
“Don’t.”  
“If he were to ask you for another chance, you would leave me for him,” Matty says, but it’s not even a question anymore. And Timothée doesn’t answer. There is no need.  
Matty gets up, grabs his keys, and leaves the apartment. Because he needs to be on his own right now.  
He has been in love before, but things had never worked out. There had always been things that had stood in the way, drugs, work, other people. Things that could have been avoided, he could have found a way to make things work. But he had never cared enough.  
With Timothée though, things are different. He cares. He wants it to work. He needs it to work. He has given up things to be with him, has moved to be with him. He has left his friends and family behind to be with him. He had assumed that Timothée had felt the same way about him, about their relationship. But the thought of him only being with him because he can’t be with Armie, only being with him to pass the time, it makes him feel sick to his stomach. Because how could he have not seen this? How could he have been so blind?

Matty has just left the apartment, and Timothée isn’t sure what to do. Should he follow him, explain to him what is really going on, tell him what he really wants? Or should he stay here, wait for him, give him time to be on his own to think about things?  
But then his phone buzzes again, and he finds another text from Armie. He knows he should ignore it, because he knows what he is like, what he has done in the past, and what he will mostly likely do in the future. But knowing that Armie is still in town, staying at the hotel, all by himself, it makes him feel such a longing, a wanting, which he can’t ignore.  
So he grabs his keys, and within seconds, he is in his car, on his way to the hotel.

“Timmy?”  
“Open the door,” Timothée says, and he hangs up the phone. It takes a moment, but then Armie opens the hotelroom door, looking a little confused.  
“What are you…”  
“You asked me to come.”  
“Yeah, but…,” Armie laughs. “What about Matty?”  
“I don’t want to talk about him,” Timothée says, as Armie lets him into the room, and closes the door behind him. “Why are you still here? I thought you were going back home after the party.”  
“We were supposed to, but I told Liz I had to stay for a meeting,” Armie explains, and Timothée turns to face him.  
“A meeting?”  
“Yeah.”  
“You lied to her?” the younger actor asks, and Armie nods. “You knew I’d come?”  
“I was hoping we could meet up,” Armie says, and a shy smile forms on his lips.  
“Why?”  
“You know why,” Armie says, and Timothée knows that he should tell him to go fuck himself. That he is sick of the lies, the manipulation, that he has been hurt too many times. But when he sees that smile, those eyes, that body, he just can’t say no. And Armie knows it.  
Armie steps up to him, and brushes the curls out of his face, before kissing him. It has been such a long time since they have kissed, but the second their lips touch, it feels just like the first time they had kissed, back in Crema. Before they had even started filming Call Me By Your Name. It had felt so natural, and for weeks they had gone on as any other couple. They hadn’t even discussed what had happened, or what it was what they had. Only when Elizabeth had arrived, had they decided to put things on hold. But only minutes after Elizabeth had left, Armie had ended up in Timothée’s bed again. Timothée knew he should have sent him away, but that was the moment he knew he would never be able to say no to him.

\---

Timothée and Armie have just had breakfast, and Timothée is feeling a little uncomfortable, not sure what he should do now. Not sure what is going to happen.  
“Do you love him?” Armie then asks, and Timothée looks up at him. Trying to see if he is jealous, upset. If maybe he is mocking him. But Armie is trying to hide his emotions, and there is just a blank, empty look on his face.  
“I think so,” Timothée admits, and a moment of silence follows. It gives him time to think about Matty. About their relationship.  
When he had fallen in love with Armie, it had all been new to him. It had been exciting, special. Armie had made him feel everything all at once, and it had been overwhelming. The good and the bad. But he had embraced it all, and he had found himself craving more. Needing more. He had only ever wanted to be with Armie, even after they had ended their affair.  
By the time he and Matty had met, he had hooked up with several people, but it hadn’t led to anything. He hadn’t wanted more than sex. One night only. But when Matty had asked him for his number the next morning, he had found himself not looking for an excuse to avoid giving it to him. He had actually been flattered. He had been excited, looking forward to seeing him again. And when more hook-ups had led to something that could only be a relationship, even though they had never actually discussed it, he hadn’t actually minded it. He had loved the stability, the comfort it had given him. The love Matty had given to him had made him feel better about himself, especially after what Armie had put him through. Since meeting Matty, he has managed to open up to people again, he has stopped hiding away, afraid to be hurt, let down. He has even found the courage to go public with their relationship. And he knows it’s Matty who has given him the confidence, the courage.  
“Yeah, I love him,” he says, and Armie nods, still a blank look on his face. “But I’m still in love with you. I want to be with you, Armie,” Timothée admits. Because even though, yes, he loves Matty, he can’t deny that it’s Armie, his first real love, who still makes him feel excited. Who makes him feel that special something deep down in the pit of his stomach.  
“I love you too,” Armie says, before kissing him. Timothée closes his eyes, trying to cherish the moment, hoping that this is the beginning of their life together. A new beginning. There have been false starts, but surely they can make it work, can’t they? They are in love, and that is all that matters. That is what will make this work.  
“Go take a shower,” Armie says, and Timothée gives him a quick kiss. He gets out of bed and goes over to the bathroom, but just before he enters, he turns around. Armie flashes him a smile, and for just a moment, Timothée notices a sadness in it, but then he tells himself that he has imagined it. Or perhaps it’s sadness about the fact that he will have to leave his family. It has to be.

When Timothée gets out of the bathroom, he finds the hotelroom empty. Armie’s luggage is gone, his phone is gone, his keys are gone. Armie is gone. Timothée tells himself that he is only getting them a coffee, or an early lunch. He is only checking out.  
But after he has sat on the bed for over an hour, trying to come up with excuses for him, Timothée knows that he can’t deny the truth any longer. Armie has left to go back home. Back to his family. Back to his wife.  
He knows that he should have seen it coming, because it has happened so many times before, that he has lost count. But tears start rolling down his face, and he just can’t stop them. He feels like a fool for believing Armie again, for believing that they could have a future. For falling for his lies again. Matty had warned him. He had tried to protect him. Because he loves him. And Timothée had chosen to ignore him. To go back to Armie. To cheat on him. Timothée hates himself for it, and all he can do is sit there and cry.  
It takes him almost another whole hour to calm himself down enough to grab his phone. He knows he should call someone. But who can he call? No one knows about Armie. No one but Matty. But how can he call him and tell him what he has done? It would break his heart. But he also knows that he can’t go back home and hide this from him. He can’t pretend this hasn’t happened.  
“Matty?”  
“Babe, what’s wrong? Where are you?” Matty asks, but when Timothée hears how worried he is, how much he cares, he only hates himself more for what he has done.  
“I can’t…”  
“Timmy?”  
“I’m so sorry…”  
“Chalamet, where are you?” Matty asks, his voice now full of panic. “You better tell me, or…”  
“I’m at a hotel.”  
“Armie’s hotel?”  
“Yeah,” Timothée admits, expecting his boyfriend to hang up the phone, or to start yelling at him. He prepares himself for it, prepares himself to lose him. But Matty just sighs. “I’m so sorry.”  
“Text me the address, and I’ll come pick you up,” Matty says, and before Timothée can even answer, he has hung up the phone. Timothée texts him the address, not sure if he will show up or not.  
But there is a knock on the door, not much later, and he jumps up. He opens the door, and finds Matty standing there, a worried look on his face.  
“Is he here?”  
“He left,” Timothée admits, as he lets his boyfriend into the room. The feeling of guilt, as he sees the bed, where he and Armie had sex last night, and this morning, is so overwhelming, that he bursts into tears again. Matty steps up to him, and wraps his arms around him.  
Matty knows he should be angry, jealous even. But he knows how much Timothée loves Armie. And he knows why he is here, why he had no choice but to come here.  
“I am so sorry,” Timothée whispers, as he clings into him, terrified to lose him. But Matty just caresses the back of his neck, and shushes him. “I had sex with him.”  
“I know,” Matty says.  
“I am sorry,” Timothée repeats, and the singer lets go of him. “He said…”  
“He is a fucking liar,” Matty interrupts him. “He is never going to leave her for you.”  
“I know.”  
“Do you?”  
“I do now,” Timothée admits, looking down at the ground, as Matty grabs him by the arms, and tries to get him to look at him, but Timothée just can’t face him. Not after what he has done. “I’m sorry.”  
“No, you love him. I get it, mate. He is telling you these things you want to hear, and you keep falling for it because you love him. But he…”  
“I love you,” Timothée interrupts him, and he finally looks up at him, the tears still falling from his eyes. Matty stops talking, trying to see if he is just saying it because he’s upset, or if it’s panic, but when he looks into his eyes, he can see that he means it.  
“I love you too.”  
“I am sorry.”  
“I know,” Matty says, and although he can’t deny that he is hurt by what his boyfriend has done, he feels like Timothée has done what he needed to do. Perhaps this will finally give him some closure. Will give them closure. “Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you hate me after this chapter, here's a little spoiler for the final chapter; I could never write an evil, heartless, son of a bitch Armie. Trust me. ;-)


	3. The Apology

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/47058418982/in/dateposted-public/)

It’s been a few weeks, and although things had seem to have changed after Timothée had slept with Armie, after a few days the two young men had slipped back into their old rhythm. They had even slept together again just a couple of days ago. Matty could tell that Timothée was avoiding it, out of guilt, more than anything else. But after he had gotten back from a walk, and he had gone to take a shower, Timothée had gotten into the shower with him. That moment had, for both of them, truly been the end of what had happened when Timothée had gone to see Armie. They had finally been able to move on and put it behind them.  
But when Timothée opens the door, after someone has rung the doorbell, he finds Armie standing there. He had assumed that he was still at home with Elizabeth and the kids, or on set somewhere, working on a new movie. But to see him standing here, after what had happened, it makes Timothée feel like his legs are about to give out.  
“What are you doing here?”  
“I’ve come to apologize,” Armie says, but Timothée still isn’t sure if he should let him in or not. He looks over his shoulder and sees light coming from the kitchen, where Matty is preparing dinner. “Timmy…”  
“You just left me there.”  
“I did.”  
“You told me you loved me,” Timothée says, and Armie opens his mouth to say something, but then he decides against it. Because he is still standing outside. Timothée sighs, and lets him in. He leads him into the living room, but he doesn’t ask him to sit down. He even tries to keep up his guard, and tries to show Armie that he isn’t giving into him anymore. He won’t fall for his lies anymore. He can’t.  
“You lied to me,” he spits out, but keeping his voice down so Matty won’t hear. But his boyfriend has already heard, and he is moving into the hallway to hear what is going on.  
“I didn’t, I…”  
“You promised me you would leave her, you…”  
“I can’t,” Armie interrupts him. “We have kids, and my family, they…”  
“You promised me!” Timothée spits out, and a silence follows, where Armie just looks at him with a guilty look on his face. “You promised me, over and over again.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“You’re sorry? You made me believe we had a future together.”  
“You have Matty, don’t you?” Armie tries, but it only makes the fire in Timothée flare up.  
“He has nothing to do with this, so don’t you dare drag him into this. This is between you and me! You were never going to leave her, were you?”  
“No,” Armie admits, and Timothée nods, taking it in.  
“You used me, you…”  
“You knew I wouldn’t leave her,” Armie says, but he can tell by the tears in the young man’s eyes, that he has said the wrong thing. Still he can’t stop himself. “You knew it when you came to my hotel. You knew that it would be nothing more than…”  
“A quick fuck?” Timothée spits out, tears of anger streaming down his face. “You told me you loved me!”  
“I…”  
“You were my first love, Armie! You know how much you mean to me, how much you hurt me when you went back to her the first time,” Timothée admits, and he can tell that Armie knows, and that he is upset, but trying to hide his true feelings. But is he upset because Timothée is finally not falling for his lies anymore, or upset because he truly loves him?  
“I’m sorry, man,” Armie says, but then he shrugs, and it breaks Timothée’s heart, because does this mean that he has lied about everything? Has it all been a lie since day one? Were the ‘I love you’s’ even a lie?  
“Get out,” he says, but Armie doesn’t move.  
“Timmy…”  
“Get out.”  
“Please,” Armie tries, but Matty, who has listened to their argument, steps into the living room. Armie is shocked to find him here, to realise that he has witnessed this.  
“Just go, mate.”  
“I didn’t…,” Armie tries, but Matty is about to grab his arm, and he can tell that he can, and will, defend his boyfriend if he has to. So without saying another word, he leaves the apartment.  
“Come here,” Matty says, and he wraps his arms around Timothée.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”

\---

Matty was supposed to go back to the UK today, but after what had happened last week, he had decided to cancel his flight, to stay with Timothée. The young actor is still upset, and he hasn’t left the house since. He had been hurt by Armie before, but never had he himself hurt someone. They had been able to move on from it, but after Armie had come back, and told him that it had just been a hook-up, nothing more, it has left him feeling even more guilty. Because it just means that he has risked everything for nothing more than sex. Not for love. Not for the future Armie had promised him. And he hates himself for it.  
Matty has just made him a cup of tea, hoping it will make him feel better. But there have been dozens cups of tea over the last week, and none of them have cheered him up. This morning, Timothée had even started packing his bags, because he figured it would be better if he just left. If Matty would find someone else. Someone better.  
“You should go home,” Timothée says. “I think it’d be better for…”  
“For me?” Matty asks. “Or for you? So you won’t have to look at me, so you can stop feeling guilty?”  
“No, I…”  
“You fucked up, Chalamet, and you’re going to have to find a way to deal with it,” Matty says. “But you don’t get to send me away.”  
“I wasn’t…,” Timothée tries, but Matty won’t let him finish his sentence.  
“You’re stuck with me, mate,” the singer says, before turning to face the tv. He turns it on, and starts watching, ignoring his boyfriend, who is still staring at him, both upset and taken aback at the way he has just been spoken to.  
But then he can’t help but smile, and he puts his tea down, before cuddling up to his boyfriend. Matty kisses the top of his head, and wraps an arm around him, holding him tight, to let him know that he isn’t going anywhere.  
“I love you,” Timothée whispers, and Matty can hear how nervous he is to say the words.  
“I love you too, babe.”

Matty is just about to get up to go and find his phone, so he can order a pizza, when there is a knock on the door. He half expects it to be a delivery, but when he sees the nervous look on Timothée’s face, a feeling of dread washes over him. He sighs, before getting up and going over to the door.  
“What do you want?” he asks, when he finds Armie standing there.  
“Can I talk to him?”  
“No. Go fuck yourself,” Matty says, and he tries to close the door again. But Armie pushes it back open, a determined look on his face.  
“I need to speak to him.”  
“He doesn’t want to see you,” Matty says, but then he hears footsteps behind him.  
“Timmy, I…”  
“Why are you here?” Timothée asks, trying to hide the fact that his heart still skips a beat when he sees him. That there is still that little bit of hope left. Hope that he is here to tell him that he has left Elizabeth for him. That they will finally have the life that they have always talked about.  
“We need to talk.”  
“Why? Haven’t you said it all last week?” Timothée asks.  
“Please,” Armie tries, and Matty can already tell that Timothée will give in to him. He still can’t say no.  
“Five minutes,” the young actor says, and Matty steps to the side, to let Armie in. He watches them go into the living room, and he wishes he could go with them, but he knows they need to do this on their own. So he pretends to go into the kitchen, but stays in the hallway, so he can listen to every single word. So he can step in if he has to.  
“So what do you want?” Timothée asks, still trying to hide his true feelings. But Armie can see right through his act. He can see how upset he is, how upset he probably has been since their last conversation. Because he knows what he is like. How much he cares. It is why he is here.  
“I lied to you,” Armie says, and Timothée nods, looking down at his hands. “Not just last week, but every single time I told you we would…,” he continues, but then he stops himself.  
“Have a future together?”  
“Yeah. I never meant a word of it,” Armie admits. “I was never going to leave Liz.”  
“So I was just…?”  
“Sex,” Armie says, and Timothée looks up at him. To see guilt, at least. But there isn’t any. “I wanted to have sex with you, and I enjoyed spending time with you, but…”  
“I didn’t mean anything to you?” Timothée interrupts him, still trying to hide his feelings, but failing miserably, as he struggles to fight his tears. Because this is what he has been afraid to hear, ever since the beginning. It has all been one big lie. His first love, it had meant so much to him, and none of it has been real.  
“I’m sorry, man. It was just a bit of fun,” Armie admits. “I love my wife.”  
“Just your wife.”  
“Yeah. I have no feelings for you,” Armie says, but Timothée just nods, still fighting against his tears. “You’re just one of many, you know?”  
“Just a bit of fun,” Timothée tells himself, trying to take it in, and Armie nods. “Just sex.”  
“Yeah.”  
“And you told me those things, because you knew it would draw me back in? That’s how you could get me into bed?” Timothée asks.  
“It was just a game.” Armie shrugs, and Timothée has to take a deep breath, because he feels sick to his stomach. How could he not have seen through all of this? How could he not have known? He is one of many? It has been one big game? Just sex? Just a bit of fun? Even the ‘I love you’s’ were just a lie? How could he have been so stupid?  
“I think you should go.”  
“I’m sorry, man,” Armie says, before getting up and leaving the living room. He finds Matty in the hallway, and he wants to apologise, explain, but he knows he can’t.  
Matty goes into the living room, and finds his boyfriend sitting there, just staring out of the window, a blank stare on his face. He wishes to speak to him, to comfort him. But he needs to know the truth.  
“I’ll be right back,” he says, and within seconds, he is outside, running after Armie, who is already in his car. Matty gets into the passenger seat, and he puts a hand on the actor’s arm.  
“You can still go back and tell him the truth,” Matty says, but Armie shakes his head, as he wipes the tears from his face. “Why did you do that? Why did you lie to him?”  
“I didn’t…”  
“Come on, mate. I’m not as stupid as I look,” Matty says, and Armie can’t help but smile. Matty had seen the tears in the actor’s eyes as he had left the apartment, he had seen the pain. For a moment, he had wanted to punch him in the face, after what he had just said to Timothée, but after seeing him, he had realised what he had just done.  
“I need him to hate me,” Armie admits. “It’s the only way he’ll move on.”  
“Why do you want him to move on? Can’t you just…”  
“Because I can’t give him what he wants,” Armie interrupts him. “I can’t leave my family. And I know that I’ll keep promising him I will, because I know…”  
“It will make him come back to you,” Matty sighs. “Because it’s what he wants to hear.”  
“I need him to hate me, so he can move on.”  
“Then you’ve got to stop texting him.”  
“I know,” Armie admits, looking down at his hands, too ashamed to face him. “I want him to be happy.”  
“Then leave him alone.”  
“I keep trying, but…”  
“But you’re in love with him,” Matty says, and Armie looks out of the window, up at the apartment. “You can’t keep fucking with him, mate. You either stay with your wife and leave him alone. Or you go back in there, and you tell him the truth.”  
“I can’t.”  
“You can just cut him out of your life? Just like that?”  
“I have to. For his sake,” Armie says, and for a moment, Matty looks at the actor, to see if this is another one of his games. But he can tell that he is finally being genuine. That this is the real Armie, no lies. “He needs to move on, and forget about what we had. He needs to give what you two have a fair chance. He won’t do that, unless he thinks…”  
“There is no chance of a future with you,” Matty interrupts him, and Armie nods. They are both fully aware of the fact that this should be an awkward conversation. But it isn’t. It is honest, and genuine. They have both let their guards down, and there is no need to lie, to hide things now. If there is ever a moment to say things as they are, this is it.  
“I’m not saying he loves me more than you, it’s just that he has this idea in his head, this fantasy…”  
“Which you have planted in there,” Matty says, and Armie nods, a guilty look on his face. “He will be devastated, after what you have just told him.”  
“I know. But I know you’ll be there for him.”  
“What about you? Are you going to be okay?” Matty asks, but Armie just looks away, as more tears fall from his eyes. “I think he will find a way to forgive you, even for this. Give it a few months, maybe a year. You know what he’s like,” Matty says, trying to comfort the actor. “I’m sure you will be mates again some day,” he tries, but Armie can’t face him. He is too upset, too heartbroken. So Matty just wraps his arms around him, and gives him a big hug.  
He then gets out of the car, but he doesn’t close the door yet. He looks down at Armie, who is fighting more tears, but trying to show that he is okay now.  
“You’ll look out for him, won’t you?” Armie asks, and Matty can’t help but smile.  
“I will,” he says. “You take care.”  
Matty closes the door, and runs back up to the apartment. He finds Timothée still on the sofa, his legs now pulled up to his chest, and he had expected him to be crying, but he is just staring at the tv. Matty sits down next to him, and wraps his arms around him.  
“Are you okay?”  
“Yeah. I guess I’ve always known,” Timothée admits, and Matty wishes he could tell him the truth. But he can’t. He won’t. “I’m just stupid.”  
“You’re not. He’s just…,” Matty begins, but then he sighs, as he gently strokes the back of his boyfriend’s neck. “Things just haven’t worked out between the two of you. But I don’t believe he ever meant to hurt you.”  
“You’re defending him?”  
“No,” Matty says. “Not what he did. But I think he cares about you. More than he let on.  
“Did he say that?”  
“He didn’t have to,” Matty says, and Timothée looks up at him.  
“I don’t want him to care anymore, Matty. After the shit he has done to me, I’ve realised that I already had what he had promised me.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I wanted the future he promised me, but I already had it with you,” Timothée explains. “I just hadn’t realised.”  
“So if he texts you again…?”  
“Then I’m not falling for any of it again,” Timothée says, and for a moment, Matty tries to read his face. Tries to see if he is lying, or hiding his true feelings. Trying to seem stronger than he is. But he can only see the honest, genuine young man that he has come to know over the last months. “I don’t want to be with him anymore.”  
“Because you can’t be with him, or…”  
“Because I love you, you fucking…,” Timothée laughs, as he playfully pushes him away. “Because you’re good to me.”  
“Do go on,” Matty laughs.  
“Because I love the life we have now, and you know, I can picture our future together,” Timothée admits, his face turning redder with every word.  
“Oh, really? So no more texting?”  
“No.”  
“No more going to hotels?” Matty asks, and Timothée shakes his head, laughing.  
“No more going to hotels to go see him. Unless you want to go see him together. If that’s what you’re into,” he quickly adds, trying to keep a straight face. And for the first time since meeting him, he sees a look full of nothing but shock on Matty’s face. “That would be awesome.”  
“The three of us?” Matty asks, still shocked at the suggestion. “Is that what you… Is Armie into that kind of stuff?”  
“Oh yeah, definitely,” Timothée says, still struggling to keep a straight face.  
“And you… that’s what you’re into?” Matty asks, trying not to show how horrified he is at the thought. But also a little fascinated and slightly turned on. But then Timothée starts laughing, and he realises that he was only messing with him, which is a relieve.  
“Don’t worry, I won’t do that to you.”  
“I hadn’t actually said no yet.” Matty shrugs, as he wraps his arms around him, just glad to see him laughing again.  
“So next time he texts…?” Timothée laughs, and his boyfriend gets a big smirk on his face. “You’re a fucking idiot.”  
"I love you too, Chalamet."


End file.
